Jezebel Diaries

For over a decade, I have been given everything I have to this journey we call life with very little to show for it. For years, I have found myself in spaces and around people who resented me for my big dreams and only saw me as an energy source. And once I was drained, I was discarded. The relationships I’ve had up to this point, minus a handful, have trained me to believe that I am only deserving of crumbs. I do not deserve to be someone with standards and needs. That I should be grateful to have even been seen. These relationships taught me that I’m only deserving of love unless I am constantly compromising and sacrificing myself. With this along with the guilt of being alive, it’s felt like I was better off as a name on a grave…

But then, I found you, Cunty. You were my superhero self from a childhood dream. Sweet yet dangerous. Courageous. Bold. Unapologetic. Deserving of it all. I found you, and I prayed you’d help me say everything I needed to say. You gave me a place to put my rage, so it didn’t kill me. You helped me find a voice I thought I lost. You helped me survive and ea. You showed me how strong I could be. But lately, you’ve asked me to go deeper. You’ve asked me to be more than the rage. And naturally, I repel as everyone I’ve shown my heart to has taken advantage of me or left me. So I hid behind the rage. I’ve hidden my voice and my feelings to have a chance of belonging.

Through these past two years, I gave in to he calls. I opened up. And the pain flooded me, flooded my heart as life hit me with what I thought was the final blows. I found sumn other than rage. I found the pain from a decade. I found the child whose back had been used as abridge for other to use. To get to themselves and who they want to be. Leaving me broken ad holding pain that was never mine to carry. I was a kid carrying guilt that wasn’t meant for me. All while being shamed for who I am. I found the kid who has been scared to love because they’re scared of bringing another friend. I found the pain that made me feel like a burden.

These past years have taught me the truth about myself, love, and fear. I have no lessons to share just my own reflections:

Despite what the world has mad me believe, I should dream big and go hard. Because I CAN even thought others can’t.

I deserve to be loved for all that I am. I’ve never been too much. Those folks’ imagination was just too little.

The love that you had with the ones you lost is still here. They believed your dreams deserved to exist. We will keep dreaming and fighting for those dreams until you can meet them at the end.

And the hardest truth: you run from the living and envy the dead. Cus the living have failed to give you the love you crave and miss from the dead.

This year is for the dead. I have songs and melodies on and in my heart that I have to release for them. I have dreams that deserve MY AL.This next chapter is more for me than anything, but it’s also for the ones I’ve lost. I have debts and promises to fulfill. I have to honor the love and energy they poured into me for me to be here today.

This new chapter is new. It’s not about the hits or the aesthetic. It’s about getting this pain out before it takes me too soon. Before I actually get a chance to live. This is my diary. The thoughts of a troubled soul. The pain of one left behind by death. This is the diary entries of NOI, a jezebel. A jezebel with a story to tell.

Thank you for the journey you’ve take me on thus far. Thank you for asking me to be brave. Thank you for showing me love and strength when I needed to see a future for myself, Cunty. Thank you for keeping my heart open. Thank you for teaching me to live and love for myself.

Love,

em